A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
