Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
