Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
