i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize