Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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