i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
