Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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