I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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