At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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