I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
