My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im about as happy as oj after his trial
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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