Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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