I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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