i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
