the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
