I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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