I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka