her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!