If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?