I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
