I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I wish you could order shots online.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
