Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
