i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
