I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
