hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
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Dicks are not precious.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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