hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
