I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.