She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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