I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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