Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
