Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
