So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
