when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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