1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize