Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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