OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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