Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
