So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
