Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
