Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
