Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
