Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
