Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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