so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
