she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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