dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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