i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I could make wine with my vomit
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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