belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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