im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
