just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
