"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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