had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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