This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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