I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
