I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Randomize
