Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
