I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
