Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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