I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
