Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
